Everything is Hard

Well its been awhile since i've posted, been through alot this past year, it'll be a year soon since i found out i was pregnant last year and 5 days later found out i was going to loose the baby.  We still haven't been able to get pregnant again.  My weight keeps creeping back up on me.  August my body went numb, and i went to the emergency room, stayed in the hospital for a week, only to find out I have multiple sclerosis, as if everything else i've already been through wasn't enough i got this shoved in my face.  I'm absolutely heartbroken, i feel hopeless, I'm in pain physically and emotionally, everything is hard for me.  We got told we couldn't adopt because of the ms diagnosis at least not for a year from when we told the adoption people, because of a major life change....so we changed to cps which we haven't heard back from, we keep trying to contact them and no ones telling us anything, so no clue if they've even got our paperwork from the original adoption company we were working with or not, it seems hopeless.  I haven't wanted to leave my house the past several weeks, i've been really depressed, and last week my upper arms started hurting and haven't stopped, they feel sore and they feel raw when rubbed up against something like my clothes or couch or something.  I have to take daily injections for the multiple sclerosis, most of the numbness went away, except for in my hands, so anything with a texture pretty much hurts to touch.  We started fertility meds (clomid) this month hope to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, i go in for blood tests tomorrow to see if i ovulated.

Picking up the Pieces

Well I've began to get my life back together, "picking up the pieces" of a broken me.  I've had some tough times the past 6 months, been heartbreaking and traumatic and painful, and numbing.  Now I'm finally able to get back on track, I've started working out again, I've been to the gym everyday this week, Mon, Tues, wed, Thurs.  I was sure on Monday that i was only going to be able to do max of 10 min on the elliptical and then be to worn out to do anymore....well 10 minutes goes by like a breeze, and i ended up doing 33 minutes and 2 miles, then Tues i did 40 min and 2.4 miles, wed i had a doc appointment and other things going on but still managed to get to the gym and had time to do 30 min and 1.6 miles, Thurs was the best, i was able to do 60 min 3.6 miles, i have never been able to do that much without taking breaks in between i was so proud of myself, and not one single day was i to sore or anything, i felt good, i did water aerobics/swimming after each workout and moved in the pool the entire time tried to be in the pool for 40 min to an hour each day, the day i had the doc appointment i was only able to do 20 min, but still moved my butt off in the pool.  Then after all that working out Monday and Thursday i still had energy to go grocery shopping and parked further away for that extra walk, and on Monday even ran back to my car, me running wow, that was really amazing, I'm going to have to start going to the park with my step son and we can run around the park together and my hubby will be left behind, poor babe he gets all upset when we leave him behind, so we try to slow down for him and then he'll cheat and take shortcuts....he's so bad.  The food is still a little bit of an issue, not eating as bad as i was when i was going through severe depression though so that's good, just eating a few to many high calorie snacks, i really have a weakness for peanut butter and chocolate, I don't eat any chewy or hard candies those hurt me alot, no skittles, lolly pops, star burst, twizzlers everything like that hurts inside my stomach, so i stay away from that stuff which is really good, but unfortunately chocolate goes down without a problem, but i try not to keep it in my house, the problem is i spend a lot of time at my mother in laws and she really loves her candy, so she's got a cookie jar type of thing filled with mini candy bars, i usually try to stay away but when I'm there the entire day they start calling my name, especially the Reece's cups, most of the other stuff i can avoid most of the time, but like i said peanut butter and chocolate are my weakness.
Well I've lost 4 pounds this week so I'm very happy, I can't wait to get into our new house, I'm going to make a healthy menu plan each week and hopefully follow it.  Plus I'll be making more of a routine schedule for my day to day activities including working out.  I have an elliptical at home and wii fit and tons of videos so some days i can work out at home and some days I'll go to the gym and right now is the best going to the gym cause they have an indoor pool which i love, its a bit of a drive about 40 minutes away or so, but its worth it for that indoor pool and plus when i go to the gym i try to "kill 2 or 3 birds with 1 stone" so I'll go to the gym and then go to a grocery store that's only in that area, Aldis for example they have some really good prices but the one around my gym is the closest to us, and also going to the movies or the mall after working out is great too the mall is like across the street from my gym so its perfect, some days i get dropped off at my mother in laws and we do a whole day together which I'm going to start adding the gym into our routine.  I can have my hubby drop me off at the gym and my mother in law can meet me there, and we can workout together or go swimming together, and then we usually have a nice day out where we go to the movies and lunch sometimes with other friends too which is nice, and then we just hang for a while and Tues and wed we have ham radio get together and wed pot luck at church, oh pot luck at church is going to be my cheat day cause they always have such good food, and i bring dessert typically since i live kinda far its hard to bring hot food, so i figure if i see a really neat dessert recipe that i want to try but i don't want to end up with so much at my house for us to eat its perfect to make it for the potluck and then i can only have a small amount and the rest gets eaten up for the  most part, so far I've had enough to save for my stepson for Fridays which he likes.
Well that's all i have for now, I'm going to try to start writing in this blog again on a regular basis.

Loss and off track

Well its been awhile since i've written anything, been having a really tough time lately, backtracked on my weight loss because of a lot of bad things happening right after the other, i'm hoping to get my life back on track and continue with my weight loss.  I lost the entire reason i even had this surgery and it hit me hard, i went into really bad depression where i didn't even want to get out of bed moreless watch what i was eating and exercise, I lost my baby, the only reason i had this surgery was so i could get pregnant, so thats been extremely hard on me, and i'm at a point now where i hope we can get pregnant again and i hope everything will be ok next time around but loosing my baby made me feel so utterly hopeless and hurt, i have my 1 year follow up this thursday, it'll be a year since surgery, and the most i had lost was about 95 pounds....well i've gained some of that back and now its more like maybe 75 pounds or so loss, and the surgeon wanted me to have been at 150 pound loss, well i'll just explain to him the crap that happened the past six monthes and just hope he doesn't roll his eyes at me like my family practitioner did, yes i realize life happens...shit happens, but my god it was one thing after the other for six monthes straight, with a few deaths, lots of loss, and heartbreak, and pain, and trauma, it was just to much for me to handle, i just stopped caring about the weight loss, and now i've joined a church, i've made friends, and i have a support system, and i really do hope to get back on track, well thats all for now....i'll try to continue writing on here, maybe it will give me hope and support.

Goal

My Goal for the month of October is to go 45 miles on my elliptical.  I've been doing pretty good so far, only 4 days in, done it every day.  Time is getting better, going further in shorter times.  Started at only being able to do 6 minutes 2 weeks ago, last week was able to do 15 minutes and this week doing 20 minutes each time, hoping to be up to 30 soon, i'll try to up the minutes by a couple this week, I try to do it at least 1-3 times a day, since i've upped the time to 20 minutes i've only done it once a day, cause its a bit harder on my legs, but hopefully after a few days i'll get more used to it and be able to do it 2-3 times  a day.  Plus i do workouts with a medicine ball, and i've been active in cleaning my house....was depressed for an entire month and it got wayyyy away from me, but i got more energy and i'm more focused and trying to get things done.
The doctors say everything looks good, all my test results are good, and they couldn't see any fibroid tumors, so hopefully when its time to get pregnant I'll get pregnant with no problems, that would be a miracle, and my ultimate goal. 

Whats going on right now

Well i weighed myself this morning i'm 274, which is good, cause i've been stuck at 277 for like the past month, and finally it seems to be starting to go down more.  I got an elliptical last weekend, so i've been starting to use that, but i had to start out slow, cause i hadn't worked out in 2 monthes, the first month because i was out of town for most of the month and the second month cause i was really depressed and not really caring about anything, i wasn't eating good, i was eating horribly actually, and i certainly wasn't exercising, and now i got my schedule all out of wack, and it takes a while to get it back in tune, i like having the schedule where i go to sleep with my husband and then wake up when he's leaving for work, that schedule keeps me feeling the best, when i get to much sleep which i've been getting lately i feel crappy and just plain uggg and blah.  So i really need to try to fix my schedule.
I cut off all my hair or at least most of it, have a really short do, and i died it bleach blonde, but it came out a little orangeish.  I like it, i like to try new cuts and colors and things with my hair, i figure it'll grow back anyways....i really like it short like this though, when its long all i ever want to do it wear it in a ponytail cause i don't like the feeling of my hair on the back of my neck. I'll add photos in another post i haven't put them on my computer yet. 

Falling Apart and Don't know what to do

I think I've been Sabotaging myself, ever since i got into the low 300's and now to the high 200's I've been stressing out really bad, and getting depressed and worried, and it's a time i should be happy and celebrating.  But what it means is I'm getting closer to that point when we're going to start trying for a baby, the big giant reason for this surgery after all, and all i can remember are the several years we tried with no success and the depression that followed, and the emptiness, and the feeling of loss even though there wasn't a loss, because there was never a pregnancy.  I know it's only been 2 months so we still have at the very least 10 more months before we can start trying, but with me dropping the weight like this it just feels more real, and I started to worry about when that time comes and what if......what if we still can't get pregnant, what if i finally do get pregnant and i miscarry, what if i never get pregnant, what if there's something else wrong with me.  I know it's early on to already be stressing about these  things, but i was in so much pain when we were trying before and I really hate to be in all that pain again.  It just hurt so much, it took a big giant emotional toll on me.