Living with MS part 2 and TTC

Well I had my second visit with my neurologist, anything they can do do help my symptoms they can't do because I'm trying to get pregnant and the meds aren't safe to take while trying to get pregnant, but also found out one of the meds to help my symptoms causes seizures if you don't take it exact, I'm sorry but F#$# that.  I'd rather have the symptoms i have now then throw seizures on top of it, I suck at taking my pills at the exact same time every day i just can't seem to get in a habit of doing it and its a three time a day pill, so at this point in my disease i wouldn't take it even if i wasn't trying to get pregnant.  
They had me do a walking test, the regular pace was OK, but then they have you go fast, ended up hurting my ankle, luckily only for a minute, and got really dizzy and spacey and lost my balance alot so that sucked but its part of this stupid sucky disease.  I got really off balance when i had to walk putting one foot in front of the other, uggg, after all the walking and standing tests i felt out of it, dizzy, off balance, i basically felt drunk.....
My right leg has been hurting so much the past week or two, i don't know what to do, i was in bed crying last night in a lot of pain couldn't sleep it was awful.  I can't really do much, I was going to spend the day out of my house today but only ended up spending a couple of hours out.  I had a doctors appointment, and my  mother in law picked me up after at my husbands work and i went to her house for a little bit, we watched a couple episodes of law and order svu and then went to lunch at Cheddars.  Just doing that my leg hurt so much and my feet felt really heavy, so i just asked her to bring me home. We were going to join them at Jason's deli tonight for dinner with the ham club but just couldn't handle staying out for that many more hours, i was also starting to feel pretty fatigued which is just not fun at all.  

Well onto another subject.....Had my OB appointment today, found out yet again I did not ovulate.  My husband and I had discussed stopping for a couple of months if I wasn't pregnant this time, but we didn't end up talking to the OB about that, she told us she's going to up the dosage of Clomid up to 200 mg next time, so I'm just basically waiting to start my period.  She said there's still a possibility that I ovulated later and the blood tests were done to soon or something, but I'm not holding my breadth.  We were really hoping to be pregnant.  The doctors say that being pregnant will help with the MS symptoms so that's a bonus, unfortunately after giving birth you have more of a chance of having an attack so that sucks.  This was our fourth round on clomid, next step is injections, which I'm sure are expensive and we'd have to save up for.  I haven't really noticed any real bad side effects from the clomid so that's good at least.  I'm also taking Metformin, the ob said it would help too, of course i forget to take it sometimes though so that sucks, i usually take at least 2 a day, suppose to take 3 but i forget a lot.  I'm also taking Maca which is just a natural thing, I don't know that much about it, people suggest it in trying to conceive groups and my OB said is was safe to take so why not, I'll try just about anything at this point.  Me and my husband want to be parents so bad, it just seems so unfair that it hasn't happened.  I was thinking about my baby that i lost last night when i went to sleep, There are days I wish i hadn't of ever gotten pregnant, and then i think then my baby would never have existed if even for a moment, I got to be happy for 5 days, and then that was it, I found out I was going to loose my baby and it took a toll on me and still does to this day.  It just sucks that I still haven't gotten pregnant, its been over a year since the loss and nothing.  I'd rather not get pregnant again then have to go through another loss, I just can't handle it.  I need something happy in my life, all I've had has been pain, physical, mental, emotional, My entire life has just been heartbreak and pain, and trauma and just awfulness, the only good thing I have is my husband, and I just want to make us a family and have our own little baby.  

                        My New House

My View From My Backyard

Living With MS

First off let me say Living with MS SUCKS.
I hate this disease and I hate the fears associated with this disease.
Everything is harder, I can't do the things I used to be able to do.
Doctors are now going to ASSume every symptom I complain about is MS even if its not.
I can't go grocery shopping without hurting.
Most places are to hot for me, even if they feel comfortable to someone else, its to hot for me, even just a half drop in my temperature and I "freak out" and my neurologist says this is NORMAL.
Whats NORMAL anymore?
Life as I once knew it is over, and all I have left is this shell of a life I'm living in.
I don't have my health.
When I get overheated it starts with pins and needles feeling all over my back, and then my hands start to swell and then the numbness that never went away in my hands gets worse, and more painful, and then my whole body starts to hurt, I have to get in cool air, infront of an airconditioner or fan in order for it to stop hurting, once my body temp goes back down I'm fine.
The action of simply walking hurts my hands and arms and back.  I have a pretty big lesion right in the middle of my spine that swells whenever I do to much, and unfortionately to much is not very much, simply walking to the end of walmart to where the milk is can cause me pain.
My Brain is foggy, and I'm forgetful ALOT, this sucks.  I'm pretty sure I've had the foggy brain since I was 25, things just started to seem more difficult.  Its harder to concentrate or remember things I've read.  Just playing a board game with my family gives me problems, the other day I was playing with my husband and stepson and I could never remember when it was my turn or who I went after, see the game we played before we went clockwise, but for some reason they decided to go counterclockwise with this second game and every single time it was another turn I'd have to ask if it was mine because I forgot who I went after, and that really sucks.
I'm scared of what the summer will bring the heat is very scary for me, although the winter isn't exactly the greatest either because to many places have their heaters way to hot even on days its not at all cold outside so going anywhere is like suffering because of the heat.
Itchiness sucks, your skin just feels yucky, no other way to really explain it.
My eyes go numb when I cry, think of when you go get your eyes dialated and that numbing stuff they put in there that feels just awful,well thats how my eyes get when I get emotional, it sucks.
My right leg throbs, I can't go to the movies without it hurting my leg, I always have to sit behind a bar so my legs can be up otherwise if that area is full of people I have to leave and get my money back because I just can't handle sitting in one of the chairs where I can't put my legs up.  Which also means its hard for me to drive, haven't really driven much since I've been diagnosed back in aug, I only go to my therapist which is only about 5 min away, but today I found out driving about half an hour is way to much for me and my right leg starts throbbing so bad, it just hurts so much.
Just doing household chores is hard, folding hanging putting up laundry, can't do it all at once, have to take breaks in between so much.
Sweeping hurts my back.  Doing the dishes feels awful on my hands because of the numbness.  Touching towels or paper towels are just awful but you have to touch that stuff, but anything with texture hurts my hands and just feels awful.
I've been noticing a bit of balance issues, sort of walking like i'm drunk every now and then, that sucks, luckily I haven't had any falls, really not looking forward to that.
I get dizzy every now and then, the room starts spinning and I just have to close my eyes and put my head down, luckily this doesn't happen as often as it did when I first got out of the hospital.
Having to take daily injections really sucks, at least I have my husband to give them to me.
There are days that I just want to crawl into a hold and not come out.  There are days I just cry and cry because of this awful disease.  There are days when I ask why me?  But then I think Why Anyone?  This is an awful disease, and it has the ability to be all diseases in one, and can destroy someones life.
I'm afraid every day of the next attack, when it will be, what it will be, what new disability or symptoms or meds will i have to endure?  I hate living my life every day in FEAR.  I don't deserve this, no one deserves this disease.  This is a living hell.  All I can do is wait and pray that tomorrow I'll be ok.  And maybe one day they'll find a cure.

Everything is Hard

Well its been awhile since i've posted, been through alot this past year, it'll be a year soon since i found out i was pregnant last year and 5 days later found out i was going to loose the baby.  We still haven't been able to get pregnant again.  My weight keeps creeping back up on me.  August my body went numb, and i went to the emergency room, stayed in the hospital for a week, only to find out I have multiple sclerosis, as if everything else i've already been through wasn't enough i got this shoved in my face.  I'm absolutely heartbroken, i feel hopeless, I'm in pain physically and emotionally, everything is hard for me.  We got told we couldn't adopt because of the ms diagnosis at least not for a year from when we told the adoption people, because of a major life change....so we changed to cps which we haven't heard back from, we keep trying to contact them and no ones telling us anything, so no clue if they've even got our paperwork from the original adoption company we were working with or not, it seems hopeless.  I haven't wanted to leave my house the past several weeks, i've been really depressed, and last week my upper arms started hurting and haven't stopped, they feel sore and they feel raw when rubbed up against something like my clothes or couch or something.  I have to take daily injections for the multiple sclerosis, most of the numbness went away, except for in my hands, so anything with a texture pretty much hurts to touch.  We started fertility meds (clomid) this month hope to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, i go in for blood tests tomorrow to see if i ovulated.