Forgive is to Forget and I Can't Do That

Well I've had some pretty crazy family drama lately.  I already disowned my mom's entire side of the family back 5 years ago or so when something pretty bad happened to me.  And now my dad's side of the family wants to join them. 
I was all excited planning a trip by myself, never taken a trip without my husband, never been anywhere without him since we've been together, and before him i would drive to mcallen from san antonio all the time to visit family and stuff.  My therapist even thought it was a good idea for me to get out on my own like this.  So I emailed my cousin letting her know I might (not definite yet, wasn't sure if i wanted to go all the way to mcallen at this point, but thought I'd see if I could stay with her and see what her work schedule was like before making a decision) be going to mcallen in oct/nov time frame, I was also going to go to san antonio and visit my parents and maybe go shopping at the outlet malls in san marcos or something.  Instead of her being polite and writing me back she told our family i was going there when i hadn't even told her  i was for sure and without even getting back to me first, I was incredibly pissed about that.  She had no right telling them until i knew for sure, or at least reply to my email how rude. So i get a call from her, saying my great aunt wants to talk to me that i need to call her.  I'm like ok, not knowing what this was going to be about cause at this point i didn't know she blabbed to everyone that i was thinking about going there.  So i call my great aunt, and she offers me $300 to go 10 hours away from my home with a car that needs new brakes and shocks.  I get extremely stressed out about it, because how do i politely tell her that's not enough money with car problems, and politely tell her i just can't go....i was not trying to ask for more money.  I got extremely stressed called my cousin back up,basically hyperventilating, because i didn't know what to do, she said she'd take care of it, and instead of politely telling her i just couldn't make it right now, i mean i was planning on going in oct/nov when i was actually going to have enough money to take care of everything, but they wanted me to go now....how am i just suppose to jump up and go...She made it seems like i was a money grubbing whore and wanted more money out of it.....$300 wouldn't have even covered the gas to get there i have a gas guzzling minivan....bout 24 miles to the gallon if even that, and with gas prices no way, and what about me eating...and drinking and for an emergency if something happened while i was on the road.  Right now we're broke because I've been trying to get the minivan paid off a year early, so any extra money we get has been going directly to the minivan, so we don't have anything right now, no savings no nothing, just paycheck to paycheck and extra to the minivan and that's it. So a couple days after my cousin had me call my great aunt i call her and see if she's talked to anyone yet, she of course hasn't, so each day i send her a message on facebook asking if she's resolved things, and she doesn't have the courtesy to write me back, no instead a week later i get this message (would you come to a funeral?) That message absolutely pissed me off, how the hell does she think a sudden funeral would put enough money in my bank for me to be able to go 10 hours away and also fix my brakes.  That was absolutely rude, and then she tells me her mom was the one that said it and so of course she had to repeat it back to me, like she always does, ever since she was a little kid she's always had to tell me bad things my family has said about me, I have begged her to stop and she hasn't, and yet she had the nerve to call me rude, and immature, and dramatic, because i asked for an apology from her for her telling me that, I think i deserve an apology, no one needs to hear the mean things their family says about them behind their back, for one their family shouldn't say mean things about them behind their back but for her to repeat it to me makes her worse then them.  I just don't understand why she can't just grow up and be mature and responsible for her actions, and just apologize, she's an adult, she's like 24 or 25 and she's still acting like the immature little kid that would run up to me and tell me her mom said I'm fat, or tell me her mom said I'd never get pregnant because I'm to fat, or tell me our grandpa said I'd brake her bed if i slept on it when i slept over.....god i didn't need to know all those horrible things they've said about me and oh yes there were more, why would anyone do that to another human being is beyond me, its like she doesn't have a soul or something, i mean come on, who acts like that, who is so horrible as to repeat the horribleness that their family says back to the person, man way to make me feel part of the family.  Well she's no longer part of my family, I'll still talk to my grandparents and my great aunt, but i don't care to have anything to do with her.  She has no respect for anyone to act like that, such an immature child, she really just needs to grow up already.  She's always had a silver spoon stuck in her mouth, always had everything she ever wanted and it was never good enough. 

My Gastric Sleeve Journey Video 7 June 3, 2011

This my Gastric Sleeve Journey Video 7 from june 3, 2011 at the end of the video i included my little happy dance for hitting twoderville (200s) although at the time i made it i wasn't really that happy i was kinda in a bad mood, depressed, irritable, just not all there really,  had been for the past 3 weeks, i'm feeling a lot better now though.

Falling Apart and Don't know what to do

I think I've been Sabotaging myself, ever since i got into the low 300's and now to the high 200's I've been stressing out really bad, and getting depressed and worried, and it's a time i should be happy and celebrating.  But what it means is I'm getting closer to that point when we're going to start trying for a baby, the big giant reason for this surgery after all, and all i can remember are the several years we tried with no success and the depression that followed, and the emptiness, and the feeling of loss even though there wasn't a loss, because there was never a pregnancy.  I know it's only been 2 months so we still have at the very least 10 more months before we can start trying, but with me dropping the weight like this it just feels more real, and I started to worry about when that time comes and what if......what if we still can't get pregnant, what if i finally do get pregnant and i miscarry, what if i never get pregnant, what if there's something else wrong with me.  I know it's early on to already be stressing about these  things, but i was in so much pain when we were trying before and I really hate to be in all that pain again.  It just hurt so much, it took a big giant emotional toll on me. 

Stressed out and couldn't sleep any longer

Well I woke up at 7 am cause i couldn't sleep anymore, my usual is around 8:30 or later, so that's pretty early for me, uggg.  Yesterday was a pretty good day, Me and my stepson were dropped off at my in laws, and my mother in law took me and my stepson swimming, and to the movies, and to lunch on a lake, and to get yogurt at the mall, we had a lot of fun it was such a great day, but then.....my husband picks us up and as were driving home my cousin gives me a call....saying my great aunt wants to talk to me, that she's out of the hospital now and at home....I'm like ok, so when we get home I give her a call, and she's still pretty out of it from all the meds, and she was talking to me in Spanish, and i don't know Spanish and i told her and she told me "no I'm not" so i just said ok, so i didn't get much of the conversation, except the part where she wants me to go visit, now i was planning a trip in Oct/Nov time when my minivan will be paid off, and we'll be able to get the breaks and shocks fixed, and I'll have spending money, but she wants me to go now, with literally no money, every cent extra we have has been going to the minivan to get it paid off a year early.  She offered 300 dollars for me to go, but that wouldn't even cover the gas to drive more then 10 hours, and what about food and misc, i wanted to go on a trip with money and to be able to have fun, and yea i wanted to go visit my family too, but that's a long way to go with zero money and not even enough gas money, so what am i suppose to tell her, i just told her at the time I'd have to see, but how am i suppose to tell her that's not enough money, it sounds so rude, and uggg, i didn't even ask for any money but i know for  a fact i have zero money to go right now, and won't until my actual planned time to go, and yes she's very sick and might not be around anymore during my planned time to go, but that doesn't mean i can just scrounge up the money to go when i don't have any, we don't have a savings, we live paycheck to paycheck just like most of the country does.  I got so freaken stressed last night after all that, i called my cousin back asking her if she knew what that call was going to be about and she said she did, but thanks for not giving me any heads up, ugggg, i told her all about the call and told her there was no way i could do that, and i started hyperventilating a bit, felt my face get really hot, it was not fun i had to just stop and take a breath cause i was so stressed out.  She said she'll talk to them, hopefully be able to figure something out.  Otherwise as of right now there's just no way i can do it.  So I'll just wait and see what happens i guess. 

6 Week follow up and missed the support group meeting

Well today was my 6 week follow up and they said I'm doing great, that i had pretty high weight loss compared to most of their patients for the first 6 weeks, so that's pretty cool. 
Oh tonight was suppose to be the monthly support group meeting, but unfortunately we had to skip it, because well we would have been stuck in Plano all day which is about an hour and a half away from where we live, its where my surgeon is and where the support group meeting is.  We went to lunch and then afterwards went to the mall to try to kill some time, had about 6 hours to kill till the support group meeting.  Well we tried to buy a bottle of water and they denied our debit card, and we're like what the hell, and we called the bank and found out we only had like 3 dollars or something in the bank,when last night i had checked and we had a little over 100, so we decided it was best to skip the support group meeting cause it would have put us at getting home after 10 pm and we couldn't have gone all day like that with no food or water, so we came home and checked our bank account and it was because of a bill i paid 2 weeks ago finally decided to take itself out, so that sucked really bad, we're paying that bill from now on in person, cause that's pretty ridiculous, it was the first time we had paid it through our online bill pay, and never again, i couldn't believe it, so yea luckily tomorrow is pay day, but it still sucks i had to miss the meeting, oh well, there's always next month. 
Monday i went to the gym and the pool was closed, so a 45 minute drive to find out the pool was closed was pretty dang annoying, but i was already planning on trying the elliptical that day, and i did, and i was able to do it for 15 minutes, which 60 pounds heavier i was only able to do it for 30 seconds and then my legs went into spasms, but this time i was able to do 15 minutes and was really wobbly went i got off, and wobbly for the rest of the day, and then the next day i woke up barely able to walk, today was a little better though, still a bit sore but not as bad, I'm still gonna try it again on Friday, tomorrow the pool is closed for cleaning so I'm not gonna drive all that way again just to do 15 min elliptical. 

My Gastric Sleeve Journey Video 6 May 25, 2011

This is a video going into details that i remember from my surgery day.

June 1, 2011 Weigh in, pics, and measurements

June 1, 2011

Weight:  301

Measurements

Waist: 57

Hips: 61

Breasts: 49

 Ankle: 10 1/2

 Wrist: 7 3/4

Thigh: 30 1/2

Neck: 17 1/2

Upper Arms: 20

Clothing Sizes

(note) swimming in the 5X’s 

Dress: 3X-4X 26-28

Pant: 3X-4X 26-28 (can fit in jeans with button and zipper now)

Skirt: 3X-4X 26-28

Shirt: 3X-4X 26-28