Forgive is to Forget and I Can't Do That

Well I've had some pretty crazy family drama lately.  I already disowned my mom's entire side of the family back 5 years ago or so when something pretty bad happened to me.  And now my dad's side of the family wants to join them. 
I was all excited planning a trip by myself, never taken a trip without my husband, never been anywhere without him since we've been together, and before him i would drive to mcallen from san antonio all the time to visit family and stuff.  My therapist even thought it was a good idea for me to get out on my own like this.  So I emailed my cousin letting her know I might (not definite yet, wasn't sure if i wanted to go all the way to mcallen at this point, but thought I'd see if I could stay with her and see what her work schedule was like before making a decision) be going to mcallen in oct/nov time frame, I was also going to go to san antonio and visit my parents and maybe go shopping at the outlet malls in san marcos or something.  Instead of her being polite and writing me back she told our family i was going there when i hadn't even told her  i was for sure and without even getting back to me first, I was incredibly pissed about that.  She had no right telling them until i knew for sure, or at least reply to my email how rude. So i get a call from her, saying my great aunt wants to talk to me that i need to call her.  I'm like ok, not knowing what this was going to be about cause at this point i didn't know she blabbed to everyone that i was thinking about going there.  So i call my great aunt, and she offers me $300 to go 10 hours away from my home with a car that needs new brakes and shocks.  I get extremely stressed out about it, because how do i politely tell her that's not enough money with car problems, and politely tell her i just can't go....i was not trying to ask for more money.  I got extremely stressed called my cousin back up,basically hyperventilating, because i didn't know what to do, she said she'd take care of it, and instead of politely telling her i just couldn't make it right now, i mean i was planning on going in oct/nov when i was actually going to have enough money to take care of everything, but they wanted me to go now....how am i just suppose to jump up and go...She made it seems like i was a money grubbing whore and wanted more money out of it.....$300 wouldn't have even covered the gas to get there i have a gas guzzling minivan....bout 24 miles to the gallon if even that, and with gas prices no way, and what about me eating...and drinking and for an emergency if something happened while i was on the road.  Right now we're broke because I've been trying to get the minivan paid off a year early, so any extra money we get has been going directly to the minivan, so we don't have anything right now, no savings no nothing, just paycheck to paycheck and extra to the minivan and that's it. So a couple days after my cousin had me call my great aunt i call her and see if she's talked to anyone yet, she of course hasn't, so each day i send her a message on facebook asking if she's resolved things, and she doesn't have the courtesy to write me back, no instead a week later i get this message (would you come to a funeral?) That message absolutely pissed me off, how the hell does she think a sudden funeral would put enough money in my bank for me to be able to go 10 hours away and also fix my brakes.  That was absolutely rude, and then she tells me her mom was the one that said it and so of course she had to repeat it back to me, like she always does, ever since she was a little kid she's always had to tell me bad things my family has said about me, I have begged her to stop and she hasn't, and yet she had the nerve to call me rude, and immature, and dramatic, because i asked for an apology from her for her telling me that, I think i deserve an apology, no one needs to hear the mean things their family says about them behind their back, for one their family shouldn't say mean things about them behind their back but for her to repeat it to me makes her worse then them.  I just don't understand why she can't just grow up and be mature and responsible for her actions, and just apologize, she's an adult, she's like 24 or 25 and she's still acting like the immature little kid that would run up to me and tell me her mom said I'm fat, or tell me her mom said I'd never get pregnant because I'm to fat, or tell me our grandpa said I'd brake her bed if i slept on it when i slept over.....god i didn't need to know all those horrible things they've said about me and oh yes there were more, why would anyone do that to another human being is beyond me, its like she doesn't have a soul or something, i mean come on, who acts like that, who is so horrible as to repeat the horribleness that their family says back to the person, man way to make me feel part of the family.  Well she's no longer part of my family, I'll still talk to my grandparents and my great aunt, but i don't care to have anything to do with her.  She has no respect for anyone to act like that, such an immature child, she really just needs to grow up already.  She's always had a silver spoon stuck in her mouth, always had everything she ever wanted and it was never good enough. 

Stressed out and couldn't sleep any longer

Well I woke up at 7 am cause i couldn't sleep anymore, my usual is around 8:30 or later, so that's pretty early for me, uggg.  Yesterday was a pretty good day, Me and my stepson were dropped off at my in laws, and my mother in law took me and my stepson swimming, and to the movies, and to lunch on a lake, and to get yogurt at the mall, we had a lot of fun it was such a great day, but then.....my husband picks us up and as were driving home my cousin gives me a call....saying my great aunt wants to talk to me, that she's out of the hospital now and at home....I'm like ok, so when we get home I give her a call, and she's still pretty out of it from all the meds, and she was talking to me in Spanish, and i don't know Spanish and i told her and she told me "no I'm not" so i just said ok, so i didn't get much of the conversation, except the part where she wants me to go visit, now i was planning a trip in Oct/Nov time when my minivan will be paid off, and we'll be able to get the breaks and shocks fixed, and I'll have spending money, but she wants me to go now, with literally no money, every cent extra we have has been going to the minivan to get it paid off a year early.  She offered 300 dollars for me to go, but that wouldn't even cover the gas to drive more then 10 hours, and what about food and misc, i wanted to go on a trip with money and to be able to have fun, and yea i wanted to go visit my family too, but that's a long way to go with zero money and not even enough gas money, so what am i suppose to tell her, i just told her at the time I'd have to see, but how am i suppose to tell her that's not enough money, it sounds so rude, and uggg, i didn't even ask for any money but i know for  a fact i have zero money to go right now, and won't until my actual planned time to go, and yes she's very sick and might not be around anymore during my planned time to go, but that doesn't mean i can just scrounge up the money to go when i don't have any, we don't have a savings, we live paycheck to paycheck just like most of the country does.  I got so freaken stressed last night after all that, i called my cousin back asking her if she knew what that call was going to be about and she said she did, but thanks for not giving me any heads up, ugggg, i told her all about the call and told her there was no way i could do that, and i started hyperventilating a bit, felt my face get really hot, it was not fun i had to just stop and take a breath cause i was so stressed out.  She said she'll talk to them, hopefully be able to figure something out.  Otherwise as of right now there's just no way i can do it.  So I'll just wait and see what happens i guess. 

New Hair Cut and Ears Pierced

Well Yesterday we had a family BBQ, it was me, my husband, my stepson, and my husbands parents.  We invited my brother in law and his fiancee too, but they couldn't make it cause they had a graduation or something to go to.  Well we had a nice time, There was lots of food, and i didn't feel deprived at all, i had just a little bit of everything, and then after we all went to see kung fu panda 2, luckily we were the first ones to see that movie so we got the best seats and then people starting filling the place up.  After the movie i got my ears re pierced because they had closed up on me, and then me and my husband both got haircuts, i got mine a little above my shoulders, its really cute. 
Today I went to the pool with my mother in law and my step son and we had a lot of fun, we all played races who could swim or walk across the pool to the other side the fastest, it was fun and definitely a good workout. 
Oh and i realized that i don't mind sharing with perfect strangers that i had the sleeve surgery, yesterday i told the lady that cut my hair i just lost more then 60 pounds so i needed a change, and i told her i had the sleeve surgery, and then today when i went to lunch with my mother in law and stepson the waitress asked if i didn't like my food cause i didn't eat very much, so i told her i had the sleeve surgery so I'm not able to eat very much.  I've read a lot of people don't really like sharing that information with strangers, but i don't mind, I'm perfectly fine telling people i had the sleeve, and i don't see why not, I'm proud i had it, I'm giving myself a second chance at life having the sleeve.  I'm a sleever and I'm proud. :)  And i hope all you fellow sleevers out there are just as proud of your sleeve as i am of mine. :)

This picture is what i served myself, knowing i wasn't going to be able to finish it of course, just wanted to try a little bit of everything.

This picture is what i wasn't able to finish eating, my husband finished it off for me since he was in the shower while we were eating this was his first plate of food.

These are strawberry canoli's i made for the BBQ got the recipe on theworldaccordingtoeggface blog.

This pic is of my new haircut.

Feeling lots better.....but soooo freaken hungry

Well I've been back home from surgery for a while now, just stayed over night, but wasn't able to get on the computer for more then 2 minutes so decided to wait to write till i could stand sitting here longer then that.  I'm doing good, minimal pain, lots of hunger, or thirst i don't know, just waves of weird pain, but other then that just sore.  It actually wasn't as bad as my gallbladder surgery, i think i took it really well, and i also had someone with me this time, my husband stayed the night with me and took care of me, the only times i needed to call someone in was when i was nausious, and ugggg had lots of nausia that was no fun at all..  OH and my poor hubby has to give me injections for 10 days since i got home from the hospital, he really hates doing that but he does good, the needle going in doesn't hurt at all, just when he pushes the stuff in me then it sorta stings a little, its a blood thinner.  I still can't sleep on our bed though, luckily we have a sofa in our bedroom so i've been sleeping on that, and can't really sleep in very many positions basically just one where i'm half on my back works, other then that it hurts, i tried taking a nap on the bed today and nuh uh, not ready, but hopefully soon, each day gets better and better.  I do miss my 9 furbabies, though, can't really let them all in the house at once or they'll hurt me, so we've only let a couple in with me at a time, the more calm ones, and they do pretty good, i'm sure they all miss me like crazy, luckily we have a baby gate in our hallway so they can still see me they just can't jump on me.  and its also been great having my mom here to help, she's been cooking for my hubby, and taking care of the dishes and dogs and stuff, which is nice to have the extra help right now.  My dad is with my great aunt still in houston, they're wanting to move her to a nursing home but she won't eat, she says she'll eat when she goes home, but thats not even true and she can't go back home.  As soon as they figure out that situation then my dad will be driving here to see me for a little bit and take my mom back home with him, and then they'll probably go back to be with my great aunt.  Its been such an ordeal with her, I just hope she's not suffering, and my dad has lots of problems of his own so its kinda hard that he's having to help take care of someone else, it seems like the hospital isn't really doing there job, and its suppose to be a really good hospital, my dad and his sister are having to change her diaper and walk her and stuff.  So back to me again, this liquid phase of the diet really really sucks, i hate it, i'm so sick of all the liquid stuff already....but i have to keep it up for 2 more weeks....uggggg :( no fun, hopefully i'll be strong.  I can't wait till i can eat something solid, it was easier the first few days i didn't feel like eating anything, but now that i'm feeling better, ugggg, i'm really hungry, and i can't stand soup, we got different kinds and blended and strained them, but uggg i just don't like the flavor or texture or whatnot, i tried cream of wheat watered down real good today, its ok i guess, at least i seem to be able to get a bit of that down ok. Oh and as for the shoulder pain right after surgery that didn't last very long at all, it only lasted while i was in the hospital and everytime i walked it went away until it just stayed gone, so that was nice.  And as of today i've lost 14 pounds since surgery day, so thats pretty cool. 

Its getting close

Well its getting closer to that surgery time, its almost 5 pm right now, i have to be at the hospital at 6 am.  I already took my before pictures today and my weight and measurements, been taking all those since Jan 1.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time, i can't believe I'm finally actually going to have my surgery that I've been jumping through all kinds of hoops to have. 
On a sadder note though my great aunt isn't looking so good, my dad said she had her eyes open but she's unresponsive, so as of right now we don't know if she's going to make it, but I'm keeping her in my heart, and hoping for the best, even if that means she leaves this earth sooner and doesn't suffer.  I have to make my peace with it now, and concentrate on myself right now with me going into surgery, i don't want to let myself stress over it to much, I care for her, and I'm worried and everything, but I know she had a long happy life, and she'll get to be with her husband again once she leaves this world.  She has helped me out so much throughout the years, she paid for my 7 years of college, she bought my first 2 cars, she's paying for my surgery, she was there for me when i had my gallbladder surgery and had no other family to help me, She actually has pictures of me in her house, unlike my grandparents....I love them too, but it upsets me that they only have 2 grandchildren but only have pictures up of my cousin....but not my great aunt, she doesn't care what size i am, she just wants me to be healthy, and proudly displays my pictures in her home.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, cancer sucks.....it takes to many lives and hurts to many people. 
Oh and onto other things, my mom can be so freak en annoying oh my god......seriously.....part of me wonders why i wanted her here for my surgery, at times we fight like cats and dogs and other times we're fine, but man, she can really be a pain in my butt, but i guess it'll be nice to have someone to help around the house while I'm recovering......honestly don't really trust my hubby to do much to help even though he has the next 2 weeks off.....I love the guy lots but he is soooooooooo lazy....
Well i guess I'll end this here.....just passing the time right now......clock is ticking waiting to go in for surgery....can't wait to just have it over with....i really hate pain :(