Living with MS part 2 and TTC

Well I had my second visit with my neurologist, anything they can do do help my symptoms they can't do because I'm trying to get pregnant and the meds aren't safe to take while trying to get pregnant, but also found out one of the meds to help my symptoms causes seizures if you don't take it exact, I'm sorry but F#$# that.  I'd rather have the symptoms i have now then throw seizures on top of it, I suck at taking my pills at the exact same time every day i just can't seem to get in a habit of doing it and its a three time a day pill, so at this point in my disease i wouldn't take it even if i wasn't trying to get pregnant.  
They had me do a walking test, the regular pace was OK, but then they have you go fast, ended up hurting my ankle, luckily only for a minute, and got really dizzy and spacey and lost my balance alot so that sucked but its part of this stupid sucky disease.  I got really off balance when i had to walk putting one foot in front of the other, uggg, after all the walking and standing tests i felt out of it, dizzy, off balance, i basically felt drunk.....
My right leg has been hurting so much the past week or two, i don't know what to do, i was in bed crying last night in a lot of pain couldn't sleep it was awful.  I can't really do much, I was going to spend the day out of my house today but only ended up spending a couple of hours out.  I had a doctors appointment, and my  mother in law picked me up after at my husbands work and i went to her house for a little bit, we watched a couple episodes of law and order svu and then went to lunch at Cheddars.  Just doing that my leg hurt so much and my feet felt really heavy, so i just asked her to bring me home. We were going to join them at Jason's deli tonight for dinner with the ham club but just couldn't handle staying out for that many more hours, i was also starting to feel pretty fatigued which is just not fun at all.  

Well onto another subject.....Had my OB appointment today, found out yet again I did not ovulate.  My husband and I had discussed stopping for a couple of months if I wasn't pregnant this time, but we didn't end up talking to the OB about that, she told us she's going to up the dosage of Clomid up to 200 mg next time, so I'm just basically waiting to start my period.  She said there's still a possibility that I ovulated later and the blood tests were done to soon or something, but I'm not holding my breadth.  We were really hoping to be pregnant.  The doctors say that being pregnant will help with the MS symptoms so that's a bonus, unfortunately after giving birth you have more of a chance of having an attack so that sucks.  This was our fourth round on clomid, next step is injections, which I'm sure are expensive and we'd have to save up for.  I haven't really noticed any real bad side effects from the clomid so that's good at least.  I'm also taking Metformin, the ob said it would help too, of course i forget to take it sometimes though so that sucks, i usually take at least 2 a day, suppose to take 3 but i forget a lot.  I'm also taking Maca which is just a natural thing, I don't know that much about it, people suggest it in trying to conceive groups and my OB said is was safe to take so why not, I'll try just about anything at this point.  Me and my husband want to be parents so bad, it just seems so unfair that it hasn't happened.  I was thinking about my baby that i lost last night when i went to sleep, There are days I wish i hadn't of ever gotten pregnant, and then i think then my baby would never have existed if even for a moment, I got to be happy for 5 days, and then that was it, I found out I was going to loose my baby and it took a toll on me and still does to this day.  It just sucks that I still haven't gotten pregnant, its been over a year since the loss and nothing.  I'd rather not get pregnant again then have to go through another loss, I just can't handle it.  I need something happy in my life, all I've had has been pain, physical, mental, emotional, My entire life has just been heartbreak and pain, and trauma and just awfulness, the only good thing I have is my husband, and I just want to make us a family and have our own little baby.  

                        My New House

My View From My Backyard

My First Round of Clomid

Well we had our first round of fertility meds this month, or technically last month, Cycle started November 12, 2012, started clomid 50 mg November 15, 2012.  I don't think I'm pregnant, I'm having all the symptoms that I'm going to start my period.  The fertility doctor did give us hope though, we went in for blood tests last week and saw her Monday, she said it looked like we ovulated and my progesterone levels are where they should be to get pregnant, so that's good news, and made us both happy.  I don't want to get down and discouraged because I'm not pregnant the first try, I keep telling myself don't get upset, try to be happy, the doctor is helping and telling us everything is working good, we just gotta wait and see what happens.  So if I'm not pregnant this time, we go back to see the fertility doctor on the third day of my new cycle.  That's when she's going to start us on 100 mg of Clomid, I've been praying, and praying, not only to be pregnant but to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby that lives to a ripe old age.  I want to be a mom more then anything in the world, I just have to put it in God's hands and pray that everything works out for us.  This month is hard, last year I found out I was pregnant on December 15, 2011, only to find out I was going to loose my baby on December 20, 2011, I only got 5 days to enjoy my pregnancy, I was so happy for that five days, it meant the world to me to finally be pregnant after trying for so long.  Then for that baby to be torn away from me was the worst pain I've ever endured.  The baby I lost will always have a special place in my heart, I will always remember them even though I never got to hold them in my arms, I held them inside me.  I know one day I'll get to hold that baby, I know there's people up in Heaven looking after them till I get there.  The only solace I had in it was that it was an early miscarriage, not that it makes it any less painful, but it was less extreme on my body mind and soul.  I had just minor spotting.  My HCG levels started dropping the doctors didn't know why, I wasn't treated to good by the doctors either....I've since changed OB's.  It took about 2 to 3 months of weekly blood tests for the miscarriage to finally be over, that was extremely difficult on me having to go there and see all the pregnant women in the waiting room, it was so heartbreaking.  The only bleeding I had was for about 5 days of spotting when we first found out we were going to loose the baby, after that I didn't have a period till one month after my HCG levels came back normal.  We've been trying since then with no luck, so we decided to go back to the fertility doctor we saw two years ago, before I had the gastric sleeve surgery she was trying to help us, back then I wasn't having periods or ovulating, I'm now having regular periods and by the sound of it ovulating, so hopefully with the meds we'll conceive a healthy happy baby.    

Loss and off track

Well its been awhile since i've written anything, been having a really tough time lately, backtracked on my weight loss because of a lot of bad things happening right after the other, i'm hoping to get my life back on track and continue with my weight loss.  I lost the entire reason i even had this surgery and it hit me hard, i went into really bad depression where i didn't even want to get out of bed moreless watch what i was eating and exercise, I lost my baby, the only reason i had this surgery was so i could get pregnant, so thats been extremely hard on me, and i'm at a point now where i hope we can get pregnant again and i hope everything will be ok next time around but loosing my baby made me feel so utterly hopeless and hurt, i have my 1 year follow up this thursday, it'll be a year since surgery, and the most i had lost was about 95 pounds....well i've gained some of that back and now its more like maybe 75 pounds or so loss, and the surgeon wanted me to have been at 150 pound loss, well i'll just explain to him the crap that happened the past six monthes and just hope he doesn't roll his eyes at me like my family practitioner did, yes i realize life happens...shit happens, but my god it was one thing after the other for six monthes straight, with a few deaths, lots of loss, and heartbreak, and pain, and trauma, it was just to much for me to handle, i just stopped caring about the weight loss, and now i've joined a church, i've made friends, and i have a support system, and i really do hope to get back on track, well thats all for now....i'll try to continue writing on here, maybe it will give me hope and support.

Goal

My Goal for the month of October is to go 45 miles on my elliptical.  I've been doing pretty good so far, only 4 days in, done it every day.  Time is getting better, going further in shorter times.  Started at only being able to do 6 minutes 2 weeks ago, last week was able to do 15 minutes and this week doing 20 minutes each time, hoping to be up to 30 soon, i'll try to up the minutes by a couple this week, I try to do it at least 1-3 times a day, since i've upped the time to 20 minutes i've only done it once a day, cause its a bit harder on my legs, but hopefully after a few days i'll get more used to it and be able to do it 2-3 times  a day.  Plus i do workouts with a medicine ball, and i've been active in cleaning my house....was depressed for an entire month and it got wayyyy away from me, but i got more energy and i'm more focused and trying to get things done.
The doctors say everything looks good, all my test results are good, and they couldn't see any fibroid tumors, so hopefully when its time to get pregnant I'll get pregnant with no problems, that would be a miracle, and my ultimate goal. 

Falling Apart and Don't know what to do

I think I've been Sabotaging myself, ever since i got into the low 300's and now to the high 200's I've been stressing out really bad, and getting depressed and worried, and it's a time i should be happy and celebrating.  But what it means is I'm getting closer to that point when we're going to start trying for a baby, the big giant reason for this surgery after all, and all i can remember are the several years we tried with no success and the depression that followed, and the emptiness, and the feeling of loss even though there wasn't a loss, because there was never a pregnancy.  I know it's only been 2 months so we still have at the very least 10 more months before we can start trying, but with me dropping the weight like this it just feels more real, and I started to worry about when that time comes and what if......what if we still can't get pregnant, what if i finally do get pregnant and i miscarry, what if i never get pregnant, what if there's something else wrong with me.  I know it's early on to already be stressing about these  things, but i was in so much pain when we were trying before and I really hate to be in all that pain again.  It just hurt so much, it took a big giant emotional toll on me.