Loss and off track

Well its been awhile since i've written anything, been having a really tough time lately, backtracked on my weight loss because of a lot of bad things happening right after the other, i'm hoping to get my life back on track and continue with my weight loss.  I lost the entire reason i even had this surgery and it hit me hard, i went into really bad depression where i didn't even want to get out of bed moreless watch what i was eating and exercise, I lost my baby, the only reason i had this surgery was so i could get pregnant, so thats been extremely hard on me, and i'm at a point now where i hope we can get pregnant again and i hope everything will be ok next time around but loosing my baby made me feel so utterly hopeless and hurt, i have my 1 year follow up this thursday, it'll be a year since surgery, and the most i had lost was about 95 pounds....well i've gained some of that back and now its more like maybe 75 pounds or so loss, and the surgeon wanted me to have been at 150 pound loss, well i'll just explain to him the crap that happened the past six monthes and just hope he doesn't roll his eyes at me like my family practitioner did, yes i realize life happens...shit happens, but my god it was one thing after the other for six monthes straight, with a few deaths, lots of loss, and heartbreak, and pain, and trauma, it was just to much for me to handle, i just stopped caring about the weight loss, and now i've joined a church, i've made friends, and i have a support system, and i really do hope to get back on track, well thats all for now....i'll try to continue writing on here, maybe it will give me hope and support.

August 2011

Well August I was out of town for most of the month so unfortionately i do not have any measurements or pictures.  My great aunt was sick, she had three different kinds of cancers so i went to mcallen to visit with her, was there for two and a half weeks, and then came back home for a week and then she passed so i went back to mcallen for the memorial service.  She went in for surgery for her cancers the same time i went in for surgery for my sleeve.  We all knew it was coming with how bad she was doing after the chemo, it did not help her, it just tore her apart, and made her into a person that was unfamilar.  She was always a free spirit, one that wanted to run out and do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, and after the chemo she wasn't allowed to drive anymore, and instead of asking the doctors about the cancer and how's she's doing she would ask them about her car and when will she be able to drive again.  Sadly she was never able to drive again, and just kept getting worse, and finally God decided she had enough pain and spent enough time with her living family, now she needs to spend some time with him and her husband Fred and her dog Max, and her parents....and any other loved ones she'll see in heaven.  She was loved and will be missed....

Its getting close

Well its getting closer to that surgery time, its almost 5 pm right now, i have to be at the hospital at 6 am.  I already took my before pictures today and my weight and measurements, been taking all those since Jan 1.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time, i can't believe I'm finally actually going to have my surgery that I've been jumping through all kinds of hoops to have. 
On a sadder note though my great aunt isn't looking so good, my dad said she had her eyes open but she's unresponsive, so as of right now we don't know if she's going to make it, but I'm keeping her in my heart, and hoping for the best, even if that means she leaves this earth sooner and doesn't suffer.  I have to make my peace with it now, and concentrate on myself right now with me going into surgery, i don't want to let myself stress over it to much, I care for her, and I'm worried and everything, but I know she had a long happy life, and she'll get to be with her husband again once she leaves this world.  She has helped me out so much throughout the years, she paid for my 7 years of college, she bought my first 2 cars, she's paying for my surgery, she was there for me when i had my gallbladder surgery and had no other family to help me, She actually has pictures of me in her house, unlike my grandparents....I love them too, but it upsets me that they only have 2 grandchildren but only have pictures up of my cousin....but not my great aunt, she doesn't care what size i am, she just wants me to be healthy, and proudly displays my pictures in her home.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, cancer sucks.....it takes to many lives and hurts to many people. 
Oh and onto other things, my mom can be so freak en annoying oh my god......seriously.....part of me wonders why i wanted her here for my surgery, at times we fight like cats and dogs and other times we're fine, but man, she can really be a pain in my butt, but i guess it'll be nice to have someone to help around the house while I'm recovering......honestly don't really trust my hubby to do much to help even though he has the next 2 weeks off.....I love the guy lots but he is soooooooooo lazy....
Well i guess I'll end this here.....just passing the time right now......clock is ticking waiting to go in for surgery....can't wait to just have it over with....i really hate pain :(

Surgery Tuesday

Well i'm good to go for surgery, basically when i went to see the cardiologist,he came in the room after all the tests and said well you need to loose weight...but apparantly you already know that, and so he approved me for surgery, so i'm good to go for tuesday, thank god.  Unfortionately though i've been going through some other things, basically the day after i recieved my checks from my great aunt i found out she had a big tumor in her like my grandma had, so my dad took her to houston to go to a cancer hospital and she had surgery and its been stop and go with her, she was in critical condition, and then she went into cardiac arrest and they had to do the paddles on her, and oh man it's just been so depressing and hard, and with all that going on and me having surgery this week, its just been really nerve racking, and scary, and we still don't know if she's going to make it out of all this, plus after the first surgery something exploded in her and the cancer might have spread, but i don't know much about it, and i had to find all that out friday when i was at the airport waiting for my mom to fly in, and the flight was also of course delayed, we had to wait there like 5 hours or something, and when i found out about my aunt being in critical condition i broke down in the airport and started crying and started seeing her face in everyone or at least in a lot of people, it was kind of creepy, i was wondering at that point if maybe she had passed on, but i was glad she was still alive, but i'm like still tossed up, i mean if she does survive, it might not be for that long and she might suffer till she finally just goes, or if she goes now while she's under all kinds of meds its more peaceful and not painful, so its so hard, and neither way really sounds that great, I know she's had a nice long life, but it's still so hard to loose someone.  I just hate cancer, and hate death, and now i'm going into surgery too, and that just makes it so much scarier, i know i'm way younger then her and everything and she's been really unhealthy for a while, but still surgery is scary.....well i just lost my train of thought cause my mom walked in so i guess i'll end this for now, and write more later....